Jennifer enters protective mother mode when she notices that her daughter’s marriage seems less than ideal. After speaking to Susan, Jennifer learns that the situation is worse than she expected. So, she encourages her to divorce Stan. But was she right in doing so?
Listen, I don’t believe in meddling in my children’s personal lives, but recent events have me questioning if I crossed the line. Now, I’m not dealing with teenagers. I am a sixty-two-year-old mother of three adults.
My eldest daughter, Susan, is married to Stan — a seemingly dreamy guy. I mean, when Susan introduced him to us, he was this rich and handsome guy who was well-educated — the whole package.
But then, last Sunday, Susan, Stan, and my grandson, Gabriel, were over for dinner, which was when things took a strange turn. Stan demanded that Susan prepare his plate, even though we were sitting at the dining table, and everything was within reach.
“You know what I like,” he told her, handing the dinner plate to her.
“And don’t let the food mix, Susan. Don’t be stupid about this,” he continued, watching her spoon roasted vegetables onto the plate.
I was shocked.
Here was this man, my son-in-law, demanding things from my child — basic things he could do for himself. And to call her stupid? At my table?
And to make it even worse, he didn’t want her to eat until he was done. He didn’t say it, but I could tell he wasn’t happy when she dished out her own food and began to nibble at it. He kept glancing at her and sighing.
After digging, I discovered this behavior wasn’t just a one-time thing. Stan had been treating Susan poorly at home, too.
Later, when Stan was drinking whiskey and watching sports with my husband, I took Susan outside with Gabriel, hoping that she would tell me more.
Finally, Susan opened up while Gabriel happily dug into his ice cream.
“Mom,” she said. “He is so controlling. And before, it was okay. I mean, it was manageable. I could handle it. But it’s been escalating, and I’ve been too afraid to speak about it because Stan makes it known that he’s the breadwinner in our family, and he will cut Gabriel and me off.”
“And what about work?” I asked her.
Susan has a doctorate in philosophy and lectures at one of the universities, juggling her professional responsibilities and motherhood. She fought hard for her role, and I knew it paid well. It was why she hadn’t felt threatened by Stan’s wealth in the beginning.
“Work is great,” Susan said, wiping ice cream off the baby’s chin. “Except that Stan told me to cut back my hours. He said it would be more important for me to spend time with Gabriel during his toddler years.”
I just shook my head at her.
It turns out that Stan not only insisted on Susan letting her professional life take a back seat, but he also dictated what she wore, tracked her whereabouts, criticized her choices in grocery shopping and cooking, and insisted that he knew best when it came to the family.
In the following days, I went to Susan’s house to discuss her marriage. At the end of the day, it turns out that behind Stan’s dream husband’s façade is a man who was determined to chip away at her confidence and independence. She admitted that she was hesitant to share the full extent of his behavior, fearing judgment.
As her mother, I assured her that her well-being and happiness would always be my top priorities.
We explored options like counseling and legal advice — I told her that divorce would be the best option for her and her mental health. And that whatever she needed, my husband and I would be there.
Now, Susan’s gaining the strength to confront the reality of her marriage. Despite the challenges, she has decided that ending the relationship is the best course of action for Gabriel and her. Stan barely focused on their son, to begin with. He said he would bond with Gabriel when he learned to throw a ball.
Who says that?
But here’s the stitch:
I know I spoke my truth to Susan because I couldn’t stand by and let her be diminished by her husband. But I kept questioning whether I crossed the line by encouraging her to divorce Stan. Was it too much? I just want what’s best for my daughter and grandson.
What would you have done?